Boundaries

Who doesn’t love to talk about boundaries? Ok, maybe everyone, but they’re important. They are how you nurture yourself and how you show others the way you expect to be treated.

We don’t spend much time considering boundaries. They aren’t often encouraged by the people in our lives and it is hard to enforce them, whether they are external or internal. Not honoring our boundaries adds stress to our lives, which can cause us to continue with patterns that aren’t serving our whole selves.

So what exactly is a boundary? It’s a way to define the terms of your engagement in a relationship. It is how you make sure your needs are met. Whether the process is unconscious or conscious, you are constantly sending messages to yourself and others about who you are and where you stand. Here’s the crazy thing about this -- there are no “correct” boundaries. Yours are just what they are. They may be completely different than anyone else’s, but they are still valid and honorable. Oh, and just when you think you have them figured out, they may change.

Having a healthy relationship with your boundaries can include a way to check in with yourself to see how you’re experiencing them today. They are meant to be flexible; allowing you to set firm boundaries when you need protection and loosening them when you want to be close to someone. This process works well when you feel that you are valuable enough to recognize your boundaries.

It is easier to think of external boundaries – the ones we set for our relationships with others – than boundaries we set for ourselves. We have boundaries on how we care for ourselves: what we eat, exercise, sleep, etc. I was thinking about this a few weeks ago when I was resisting going to a kickboxing class I’d signed up for. I complained to my husband about not wanting to go. He responded, “What does wanting or not wanting to go have to do with anything?” He knew I really did want to go, it’s a part of my goals for myself and I always feel amazing afterwards. I realized I want to set the boundary with myself that “not wanting” to exercise isn’t a reason to avoid it. Now, I notice the resistance and I do it anyways. You may have a different relationship to exercise and notice you need to honor your body and not work out if you’re over doing it. Maybe your boundary with yourself is an agreement to check in before you go to work out. If you feel stain, stress or fatigue, then you walk, do yoga or do nothing, instead of forcing yourself into an intense session.

Your feelings can be a guide to how you’re doing. If you are feeling uncomfortable, frustrated or sad, check in and see if there’s a boundary you have that is not being honored. Ask yourself what is blocking you from honoring it. Do you want to change something about how you relate to yourself? Do you want to change something about how you relate to other people’s expectations? When you believe in yourself enough to honor your boundaries, your feelings will let you know you’ve arrived.

So what do you do when you’re in a situation in which your boundaries are not respected? Sometimes you can get out of the situation and sometimes you can’t. If you can’t leave, maybe you can change the way you think about the situation. Maybe a conversation with a mentor, friend or coach can help you see a way that wasn’t clear to you before.